I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
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Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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