Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
