Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Houston, we have a blender
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
