I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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