I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
