I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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