I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
