sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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