you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
How's work?
Spinning.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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