life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
