i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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