I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
