I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
