$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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