why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
