Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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