My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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