why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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