Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
