Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
