no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
