If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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