I'm going to jail i love you
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i've created a new STD.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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