im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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