the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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