A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He shit in the fireplace
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
