He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
