i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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