I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
