Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
