I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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