Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
