It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
