Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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