Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
