Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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