I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
