Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
