I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
