I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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