Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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