I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
