My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
