My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
