DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
