We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
