he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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