He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
