oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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