Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
