I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
