I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
