Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
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