Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
