wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
