since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
