Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
