Your dad touched me again.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
