Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
